When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
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Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
#NoRestForTheWicked
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope