[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
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20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Barbie gone wild
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.