I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
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piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I can’t deal with men any longer
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*