The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
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The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Just me and my debit card against the world
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.