mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it鈥檚 been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they鈥檝e requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don鈥檛 overstock
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Not messing around
me: ok so it鈥檚 a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i鈥檓 not sure that..
me: ..we鈥檒l call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.