This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
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When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
The struggle is real.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*