Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
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therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.