Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
That was easy.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
.. do you even science?
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.