Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
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Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab