got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?