bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”