ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama