a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
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Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
🤭😂