i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door