Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
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Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I think I’m having a stroke
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
#DesignFail
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work