Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*