Well. That’s not a good sign.
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Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂