[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
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You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
she has a point
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.