“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
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Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?