18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
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*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Ape together strong
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
tourist season
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”