Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?