Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
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me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers