A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
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“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times