Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
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Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened