My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*