My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
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*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.