My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…