Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
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Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
He wanted to make sure😂
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?