Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
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Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
it must be school picture day
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”