Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
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MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel