Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
You Might Also Like
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?