If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm