I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
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if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps