can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
how to have fun when you’re poor
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.