How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Time heals everything 🙂
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.