That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?