I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
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You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
North and South
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.