Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*