Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
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3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
i dont have time for this
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave