This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat