[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
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These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.