I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.