-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Seems kinda suspicious
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I think my mom just blocked me
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.