If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
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If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Auto correct is my worst enema.