Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy