In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
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Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
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Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
ibopfufen
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it