The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
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Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw