I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!