Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
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So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”