Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
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mentally somewhere in italy
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
scared to check what name she chose
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.